Makeup artist, Mother, Massage Therapist and Madwoman (in a good way).
Every now and then I get really down about all that is going on and all that has been but then, I take a little time out and actually put things into perspective. Life isn’t supposed to be easy. We would value nothing if it were.
I think about my past and in some circumstances present and feel let down by the negatives. Truth is, no one owes you anything.
I wonder about the bullying from when I was younger and I think, but it taught me to be self depreciating, funny and kinder to others. It also taught me how to support my youngest as she deals with the same.
I get angry at my parents (for reasons I am not going into) and then I remind myself they taught me good morals, they had stresses and problems of their own. My dad took away my fear of others. My fear of confrontation and standing my ground. He showed me that no matter how much pain I might feel, I am stronger than everybody will tell me.
Then I think of my teenage years, my disregard for life and lack of self respect and how much hate I had in me because of it. I remember quite a horrific experience in particular constantly which made me realise that I was not as knowledgeable and as strong as I thought I was. So I became wiser and stronger and these are things I will pass onto my daughter (I doubt I will ever tell her why I know) but I’ll do my damn best to make sure it never happens to her.
My present is bombarded with worry about being a good parent. Constantly doubting my ability to care, teach, love and provide for the two magical wonders in my life. Will they blame me for it all, will they grow up to be kind and happy. Will they be good people. I don’t have much money, I have done this alone for years, will they hate me, be ashamed of me for not providing them with the best shoes, or clothes, or clubs etc. I’m trying to build up a career from scratch so I one day don’t have to say to them “I can’t afford it right now”.
But alas I remember how lucky I am. I have two intelligent, wonderful children who are funny and kind. I am with a man now who loves myself and my children equally. Who is more supportive and loving than I could ever ask for. My relationship with my family is much better, there is genuine love there. There probably always was in all honesty I just couldn’t see it. I have wonderful friends. I get to create everyday things that make others happy. I can walk, talk, read, sing, laugh, love, see, cry, smell, hear, feel, I have a roof over my head, food in my belly and love in my heart.
I might not have much money but I’m definitely very rich.
Considering starting a relationship/sex talk blog on here. I read a lot of bad information and badly answered questions.